I poorly phrased the “hurt by the boy” sentence, I fully understand that this was just a young teen romance gone bad…
By courage to commit suicide, you are right, the act of suicide should never be termed a “courageous act”, I am simply saying that while she was messed up she was also a very strong and determined young girl – she told her father she wanted to die, she did not want to live anymore on many occasions the weeks before her death. Her parting words on her phone video were very casual…and happy go lucky…see ya, …smile. We will never know the thoughts that she had at that point…I have pondered that she knew the fame and notoriety that would come from her suicide, the impact it would have on those she wanted to hurt back…so I am not oblivious to the idea that her suicide may not have been just about a despondent teenage girl, but a girl planning to send a BIG “FU” message to many!
Agoraphobic ….. no more outings to restaurants or Mcdonalds, no more movies, no more shopping at malls, no more camping or cabin trips, basically she confined herself to her room and home…anything she did on the net during this time was obviously all that she had left. Literally, her friends and family struggled for over 1/2 year to get her out of her home for anything. ….so call that what you will?
For Carol, I think she thought at this point that the mistakes Amanda was making outside of the home were “beyond her ability to control” – backwoods Surrey, parks, hangouts etc, and felt that if she needed to “party” in her way, better in the home with friends where Carol could be watchful over her…I didn’t agree either with giving licence to pot smoking etc, not something I would ever encourage with my kids…I think Carol was just choosing her battles at the time.
Anyways….. Norm and I do know the depths of Amanda’s internet world, and the really bad choices she was making, but we do need to hang on to the sweet side of her too, the side that many perhaps did not know…she once found and bought my favorite CD and wrapped it in 25 different layers of wrapping paper for Christmas. She sat with me on the couch smiling from ear to ear as it took me 15 minutes to open it…I will never forget that morning, our hugs and laughs, and that’s what I choose to hang on to.
We did let her down. She was extremely vulnerable and in a lot of trouble. I was deeply involved for many years trying to support and help Amanda.
I did what I could for Amanda with the time resources I had – the rest was up to her parents – insert so called “backslap” on my back here -.When she moved back to her mom’s in the spring, I did lose touch with her. I actually felt good knowing she was back with her mom and felt that Carol was taking good care of her…she wanted to be with her mom.
Please note, I don’t know if you have teenagers or have parented teens before, but you can “lead a horse to water, but you sure as hell cannot make them drink”…parenting a troubled teen can be a lot like this. You can inform, discipline, listen, guide and all the rest, and ultimately if they are going to make their bad decisions, they will make them…regardless of your involvement. In retrospect, all of the adults in her life needed to step in, in a much more “intervention” like way – shut down her electronic world completely, be with her 24/7, have her in a daily supported counselling program. This is where we let her down, the intervention with Amanda needed to be a severe one – quit the job, leave everything else behind and help her. I agree with your suggestion that we let her down in this way Philip. You see this, and you are right. Unfortunately like so many things in life, hindsight is 20/20. Her call for help on the internet was both alarming, terribly sad and distressing.
With hundreds of teenagers a day calling for help and statistically 11 in 100,000 kids following through with the suicide they talk of, it is disgusting you may think to bring it down to the logic of numbers, but most parents believe that they will get their kids through…Amanda was one of the 11. Is there something that does or doesn’t happen between the cry for help and the decision of a teen to take their life or not….THERE IN LIES THE QUESTION TO BE ANSWERED…many kids stray, many have suicidal thoughts, what makes the difference between a child who follows through and one that doesn’t…we all have our thoughts on this, but we bloody well better figure it out…that’s a big area where the time and money needs to go for our youth …in the white space between the Call for Help and the decision to end or not end their lives! It seems the numbers are going up, its so sad…
I do not choose to delve into the “ugly” underpinnings of the out of control part of Amanda’s life, I do not choose to delve into how Carol channels her energies after her daughter’s death – believe me Philip, everyone around her knew what she was doing, neighbours, Aunts, Uncles, parents, teachers…everyone in our community – it was not pretty, no one is trying to paint a pretty picture of it all –
I don’t deny that Amanda got deeply enmeshed in a world that was less than favorable, but again, I don’t have the stomach to go there and many people don’t.
Anyways, I have not perpetuated any lies. I never knew that Amanda had posted more images in bad taste after her first post, Sadly, this doesn’t surprise me…she was having a hard time making good decisions.”.
The True Story of Amanda Todd 